Musings of a Mother

Have you ever stayed up late into the night,

When all are in deep sleep?
Just to find yourself sitting and crying your heart out?

Trying to make sense of things around.

Trying to find your identity and things that define you.

Who you are below & beyond the layers of how you are related to someone?

Trying to really feel the emotion deep inside and ask yourself what you really want?

And yet come out of this situation with only more tears and no way forward?

Sometimes, I feel like I want to give my child the company of a sibling,

And at other times I cannot stay stable in mind managing the life I have at hand.

I know all things in life have a reason and time,

But where is this headed I really wanna know..

Life maybe just trying to teach me the lesson, to learn to stay still in the moment.

But good lord it is so hard to just be.

The who am I? What am I meant to be and do? It is just so killing a thought.

Is this identity crisis or finding the purpose of my life I do not know,

But it surely is damn hard to pass through.

A friend laughingly said that I seem to have super delayed postpartum depression,

And another said I am thinking too much.

But what do I do with these tears… They just refuse to stop trickling down.

I sit on my sofa, hugging my knees, trying to tell myself it will all be ok.

But tears rolling down my eyes and my breath feeling suffocated inside my body,

Make it hard to feel the comfort.

I am not saying I don't have my fun days, I am kinda ok going through my daily routines.

But the nights I manage to not crash dead tiered,

I find myself in contemplation with moist cheeks and hugged knees.

Parenthood, you are precious as you are hard.

Just trying to hang in here one moment by the day… Each second counts.

Yes, sometimes...It. Really. Does.